Alzheimer’s - 5 tips when a loved one is diagnosed

13 Oct, 2022

1 Enjoy each moment for its impermanence

Your relationship is changing. With this diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, or fresh realization, your friend may come to need you in ways that they likely have not. Alas, lasting relationships progress and change. There is challenge to come. They will likely lose the memories that you both cherish and hold dear. But they need not lose you. Because your heart can hold them. And the love that you have shared still exists, will remain, and can not extinguish. Just as powerfully as ever. And so, hold your memories close and feel their warmth. They glow brighter because of their transience – not despite. They will grow more precious and dearer as your friend changes. Write them down, cherish them. Keep them close. What you both have gathered and created together, what you treasure from your friendship can keep your loved one safer, longer, in this hard, sad, relentless battle.

2 Magic lives in the mundane

You possess something that no one else does, something that could help your loved one through challenges that they may face in their Alzheimer’s. You share a history of connection that may give you keys. Because you know them in a special way. And so, perhaps you might find or figure a way to calm them, and as they decline, you will likely see the small things that may satiate them and may ease their troubled, frightened heart. Hear their stories, and their fears. Let them tell their stories over and over. Appreciate them like you never have. There are nuances in each telling. And these stories could be a way into something deeper. A piece of your friend is there. So join them where they are, and follow them kindly. Be with them. Comfort them. There is so much beyond words. Revel in the commonality, revel in their being. Your beautiful friend is with you. That is enough.

3 Alzheimer’s: It’s not personal, it just feels like it

Confusing emotions will entangle and taunt you. As you see your loved one decline, and change – frustration and fear can take a tight grip. It’s real, and it’s strong and we could easily get lost in it. So remind yourself, whenever you need to – that the frustration burning within you, it is with their cruel, relentless disease. It is the Alzheimer’s. It can be overwhelming to not be remembered the way you always have been by someone. And regardless of any honed logic, the feelings that come, can be visceral and out of our control. So, the profoundness of ‘being forgotten’ is something to look at for what it is, and for what it isn’t. Because feelings might come up, as you witness these memories slowly being washed away clean. Let them feel your love in whatever capacity is available to them. Because they are who they are, and this moment is everything. What they remember is not who they are. But you know them. And they will remain your friend. You know that in your heart.

4 Protect their vulnerability

The world is often cruel and mean, and even the healthiest of us have great challenges sometimes. So watch over your friend if you can. And if they are in need, perhaps you can help. Maybe they can’t get the assistance with something that they need. Maybe they are being treated unfairly, disrespectfully, or are being taken advantage of because of their Alzheimer’s. Watch over them. There is cruelty in the world, and people who can’t fight for themselves, can go unnoticed, unhelped or disrespected. They deserve respect and attention that they have earned through a life of experiences, achievements and passions. So as they become more and more vulnerable, it’s up to us, it’s our duty to keep them as safe, emotionally, physically as we possibly can. Protect their ever growing vulnerability. Look out for them.

5 Remember to look after yourself

It’s heart wrenching to watch someone you love suffering so greatly. And to see the relationship that the two of you shared and held dearly slowly slip away. But this is a journey that will likely get harder and harder as their Alzheimer’s progresses. So, from the beginning, remember to take care of yourself as well. Some days, you will need to acknowledge the needs that you have. Maybe you need a day of digestion, a day to watch tv, play video games, walk alone in the fresh air, reconnect with old friends. Whatever it is, it’s not selfish to give yourself what you need. Things and feeling will come up. Don’t look away from them. Help yourself the way that you help others. Things will get harder. To lose them in shards and pieces every day, to see them suffer will be torturous. It is torturous. So – let yourself breathe. You need to look after yourself. They would likely look after you if they could or they’d tell you to look after yourself. Give yourself what you need.

Conclusion

Write down your beautiful memories. Hug them dearly, kiss their head, and appreciate, respect every moment you have with them, in today’s present, and in yesterdays. They will leave you, slowly, every day and then all at once, again. But the feelings and experiences you shared and the love you built together, it has made you who you are. And that is a gift from them that will not leave you. Breathe my friend. And hold them tight. As long as you can.

  -Lyndsay